Premier League
Silkworth Paragon 2 - 2 Roker
02/11/08 10:30 Filed in: League Matches
Match Report submitted by ‘Groupie’
There was better news for the Roker manager this week, with three of his missing first team players returning to bolster the squad. Crap Dad returns from a heavy sun bed session, The fit fire-fighter joins the squad but looked tired after camping out two nights to ensure he got his take that tickets and hot heed Sid shows his face after getting knacked last week by the pizza delivery bloke.
Chimney Chapman looked doubtful following a major domestic emergency, when he accidentally kicked over an ash tray, covering his entire living room in a three inch layer of ash, only comparable to the devastation caused by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius over Pompeii. A quick call to the fit fire-fighter ensured that a cleanup operation got swiftly under way, saving their lass and the bairns from being buried alive.
The bulimic bank blagger was also doubtful as he was away in Skegness on a modelling assignment as the new face of Betty spaghettis boyfriend.
Ron Jamsey is missing after Stu Macbeth laid a bet off to him which won, only for the betting slip to turn out to be a fake, meaning Ron had to work overtime to cover the debts he incurred borrowing on the strength of the win.
Gummer Graham also misses out after a trip to casualty for an x ray on his back showed up some rather unsavoury items lodged in his rectum, including a hairbrush, the TV remote and a Capo di Monte ornament. His excuse of “I was changing a light bulb naked when I fell off the pouffe and landed on the coffee table” didn’t wash as 1. He doesn’t even own a coffee table and 2. We all know he’s a rancid pervert anyway.
Ali Aggers misses out, after a slipped wig sidelines him for the second week running, it looks increasingly likely that Aggers will have to invest in some double sided sticky tape and a tin of hairspray to fix the problem.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grossman Side-High Hair
Crap Dad
Nylon Crowsworthy
Hot Heed Sid
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Bulimic Bank Blagger
Anth "chubby" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Fit Fire-fighter
Harvey Price
The Roker Manager was hopeful of being able to make changes following last week’s awful display, unfortunately his plans were dealt a blow when The Fit Fire-fighter, Peanut Butter and Harvey Price turned up 15 mins late after the Fire-fighters instinct kicked in and he followed a plume of smoke to Doxy park only to discover it was a wheelie bin fire.
Nylon Crowsworthy turned up looking like what can only be described, as though he had been on fire and someone had beat him out with a sh*tty shovel. The Bulimic Bank Blagger appeared with a ridiculous checky jacket on, that Jonathon Ross wouldn’t wear, prompting the comment “he looks like a fu#kin pencil” and Lord Lloyd High Hair arrived with a massive quiff all swept to one side.
The usual travelling support of Sir Michael of Meatball and Bone Tansey were there to cheer the lads on, oddly though, the absence of Tommy Wheatos lurking along the sidelines lent a strange atmosphere to the game.
The Roker management team gave the lads six nowt in the changing room before the game about last week’s inept performance, with big Daz even threatening to bring in Dwayne Looney, Stevie Lettins, Roy the cross country runner and the Ginger Lad with the glasses if this week’s performance didn’t improve.
Roker took to the field fired up and in their change strip of maroon, meaning that tubby Carter resembled a giant grape rolling around the pitch.
After the ref had to wait for the two Chapman’s to finish their fifth pre-match fag, the game got under way and it was immediately obvious that both sides were up for this clash, with both sides crunching into the tackles and allowing neither time nor space to each other. 15 minutes in and Paragon had their first chance with the Bulimic Bank Blagger bringing down a player on the edge of the area. The skinny defender was incensed at the decision and flew at the ref with his thread like arms flailing. As the ref was being assessed, he was left with little option but to book him, and was a little confused when he looked for the number on his back and realised the two stripes down each side of his shirt was actually the number eleven. The resulting free kick was hammered into the wall and the danger passed.
Both sides were giving free kicks away in dangerous areas and on the half hour mark, Crap Dad won a free kick on the left and level with the 18 yard box. Bell end Bungalow Bill swung in a dangerous cross/come shot into the six yard box which the keeper couldn’t hold onto and the ref adjudged the ball to have crossed the line, goal to Roker. (to be honest, I didn’t think the ball had crossed the line but hey, sh#t happens) Paragon had a player booked for protesting to the ref and the kick off resumed.
The ref evened things up 5 minutes later when he awarded a very dubious free kick on the edge of Rokers area. Safe hands set his wall up but made a bad judgement call when he had the Bulimic Bank Blagger in the centre of the wall. The Paragon forward seized the opportunity and rifled the ball straight through the wall where the skinny defender was, with at least 5 inches clearance and into the corner of safe hands goal........1-1
HALF TIME: PARAGON 1 – 1 ROKER
The Roker lads took a very cautious drink of water, fearing another round of pi##y water bottle roulette and the Chapman brothers got in two quick half time fags. The Roker management team had little to say to the lads except to keep the ball moving and pressure for another goal.
The second half started the same as the first with both teams going for it. The game was too tight for any changes but that still didn’t stop the fit fire-fighter running repeatedly past the manager doing 70’s style warm ups of star jumps, toe touches and press ups in an attempt to get noticed and go on. The substitution came 10 minutes later, not because of any injuries but because the manager was sick of him moaning on and also because the fire-fighters beer farts were turning his guts.
Off came Fat boy Fat Alsop and on trundled the fireman, knocking people out of the way with his massive shoulders. The change had immediate effect as Roker found their way down the right flank, the ball was pulled back from the by line to Lord Lloyd Grossman High Side-Hair, who whipped in a cross with the outside of his quiff, which found Crap Dad at the back post, Crap Dad neatly sold the defender a dummy (probably the bairns) and smashed a right foot shot into the bottom corner of the net. Lord High hair raced 30 yards to join in the celebrations and the re-start was delayed after four of Rokers players got tangled in his coiffure. 2 – 1
From the re-start Paragon upped the pressure in an attempt to grab an equaliser and looked dangerous down the flanks. Roker defended well though and it was end to end stuff for the next 20 minutes with both sides having chances. Roker had a goal chalked off for a very dubious offside before Paragon grabbed an equaliser. A long clearance from The Paragon defender saw The Bulimic Bank Blagger challenge for the ball, however, a slight breeze, knocked the skinny defender off balance and the forward raced toward goal. Safe hands was off his line in a flash and pulled off a great save, only for the ball to fall kindly for the forward to slot home the rebound. 2 – 2
The last five minutes were very tense, both sides not content with the draw, a couple more half chances apiece and the final whistle went. Over the ninety minutes I think Roker edged it (but I would say that wouldn’t I) and the draw was probably a fair result.
A cracking game of Sunday football, only spoiled by the groundsmans moans of missing his Sunday dinner while he waited for Lord High Hair to dry his barnet after a shower.
There was better news for the Roker manager this week, with three of his missing first team players returning to bolster the squad. Crap Dad returns from a heavy sun bed session, The fit fire-fighter joins the squad but looked tired after camping out two nights to ensure he got his take that tickets and hot heed Sid shows his face after getting knacked last week by the pizza delivery bloke.
Chimney Chapman looked doubtful following a major domestic emergency, when he accidentally kicked over an ash tray, covering his entire living room in a three inch layer of ash, only comparable to the devastation caused by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius over Pompeii. A quick call to the fit fire-fighter ensured that a cleanup operation got swiftly under way, saving their lass and the bairns from being buried alive.
The bulimic bank blagger was also doubtful as he was away in Skegness on a modelling assignment as the new face of Betty spaghettis boyfriend.
Ron Jamsey is missing after Stu Macbeth laid a bet off to him which won, only for the betting slip to turn out to be a fake, meaning Ron had to work overtime to cover the debts he incurred borrowing on the strength of the win.
Gummer Graham also misses out after a trip to casualty for an x ray on his back showed up some rather unsavoury items lodged in his rectum, including a hairbrush, the TV remote and a Capo di Monte ornament. His excuse of “I was changing a light bulb naked when I fell off the pouffe and landed on the coffee table” didn’t wash as 1. He doesn’t even own a coffee table and 2. We all know he’s a rancid pervert anyway.
Ali Aggers misses out, after a slipped wig sidelines him for the second week running, it looks increasingly likely that Aggers will have to invest in some double sided sticky tape and a tin of hairspray to fix the problem.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grossman Side-High Hair
Crap Dad
Nylon Crowsworthy
Hot Heed Sid
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Bulimic Bank Blagger
Anth "chubby" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Fit Fire-fighter
Harvey Price
The Roker Manager was hopeful of being able to make changes following last week’s awful display, unfortunately his plans were dealt a blow when The Fit Fire-fighter, Peanut Butter and Harvey Price turned up 15 mins late after the Fire-fighters instinct kicked in and he followed a plume of smoke to Doxy park only to discover it was a wheelie bin fire.
Nylon Crowsworthy turned up looking like what can only be described, as though he had been on fire and someone had beat him out with a sh*tty shovel. The Bulimic Bank Blagger appeared with a ridiculous checky jacket on, that Jonathon Ross wouldn’t wear, prompting the comment “he looks like a fu#kin pencil” and Lord Lloyd High Hair arrived with a massive quiff all swept to one side.
The usual travelling support of Sir Michael of Meatball and Bone Tansey were there to cheer the lads on, oddly though, the absence of Tommy Wheatos lurking along the sidelines lent a strange atmosphere to the game.
The Roker management team gave the lads six nowt in the changing room before the game about last week’s inept performance, with big Daz even threatening to bring in Dwayne Looney, Stevie Lettins, Roy the cross country runner and the Ginger Lad with the glasses if this week’s performance didn’t improve.
Roker took to the field fired up and in their change strip of maroon, meaning that tubby Carter resembled a giant grape rolling around the pitch.
After the ref had to wait for the two Chapman’s to finish their fifth pre-match fag, the game got under way and it was immediately obvious that both sides were up for this clash, with both sides crunching into the tackles and allowing neither time nor space to each other. 15 minutes in and Paragon had their first chance with the Bulimic Bank Blagger bringing down a player on the edge of the area. The skinny defender was incensed at the decision and flew at the ref with his thread like arms flailing. As the ref was being assessed, he was left with little option but to book him, and was a little confused when he looked for the number on his back and realised the two stripes down each side of his shirt was actually the number eleven. The resulting free kick was hammered into the wall and the danger passed.
Both sides were giving free kicks away in dangerous areas and on the half hour mark, Crap Dad won a free kick on the left and level with the 18 yard box. Bell end Bungalow Bill swung in a dangerous cross/come shot into the six yard box which the keeper couldn’t hold onto and the ref adjudged the ball to have crossed the line, goal to Roker. (to be honest, I didn’t think the ball had crossed the line but hey, sh#t happens) Paragon had a player booked for protesting to the ref and the kick off resumed.
The ref evened things up 5 minutes later when he awarded a very dubious free kick on the edge of Rokers area. Safe hands set his wall up but made a bad judgement call when he had the Bulimic Bank Blagger in the centre of the wall. The Paragon forward seized the opportunity and rifled the ball straight through the wall where the skinny defender was, with at least 5 inches clearance and into the corner of safe hands goal........1-1
HALF TIME: PARAGON 1 – 1 ROKER
The Roker lads took a very cautious drink of water, fearing another round of pi##y water bottle roulette and the Chapman brothers got in two quick half time fags. The Roker management team had little to say to the lads except to keep the ball moving and pressure for another goal.
The second half started the same as the first with both teams going for it. The game was too tight for any changes but that still didn’t stop the fit fire-fighter running repeatedly past the manager doing 70’s style warm ups of star jumps, toe touches and press ups in an attempt to get noticed and go on. The substitution came 10 minutes later, not because of any injuries but because the manager was sick of him moaning on and also because the fire-fighters beer farts were turning his guts.
Off came Fat boy Fat Alsop and on trundled the fireman, knocking people out of the way with his massive shoulders. The change had immediate effect as Roker found their way down the right flank, the ball was pulled back from the by line to Lord Lloyd Grossman High Side-Hair, who whipped in a cross with the outside of his quiff, which found Crap Dad at the back post, Crap Dad neatly sold the defender a dummy (probably the bairns) and smashed a right foot shot into the bottom corner of the net. Lord High hair raced 30 yards to join in the celebrations and the re-start was delayed after four of Rokers players got tangled in his coiffure. 2 – 1
From the re-start Paragon upped the pressure in an attempt to grab an equaliser and looked dangerous down the flanks. Roker defended well though and it was end to end stuff for the next 20 minutes with both sides having chances. Roker had a goal chalked off for a very dubious offside before Paragon grabbed an equaliser. A long clearance from The Paragon defender saw The Bulimic Bank Blagger challenge for the ball, however, a slight breeze, knocked the skinny defender off balance and the forward raced toward goal. Safe hands was off his line in a flash and pulled off a great save, only for the ball to fall kindly for the forward to slot home the rebound. 2 – 2
The last five minutes were very tense, both sides not content with the draw, a couple more half chances apiece and the final whistle went. Over the ninety minutes I think Roker edged it (but I would say that wouldn’t I) and the draw was probably a fair result.
A cracking game of Sunday football, only spoiled by the groundsmans moans of missing his Sunday dinner while he waited for Lord High Hair to dry his barnet after a shower.
Roker 1 - 4 Humbledon Plains Farm
26/10/08 10:00 Filed in: League Matches
Match Report submitted by ‘Groupie’
Roker went into this game against the semi-pro outfit of Humbledon ‘and I get paid’ farm, with six first team regulars missing. Sponge foot bald head drops out of the squad after contracting a serious gum disease following his loss in the pi##y water bottle roulette last week.
Ron Jamsey is in a serious depression after the Man U - Everton draw flattened his coupon. The fit fireman is off to the pictures to see High School Musical 3, big Daz, Gummer and crap dad are down Liverpool on a car stereo nicking spree (crap dad would have been on the bench anyhow after properly spitting the dummy out last week when his kit got flung all over the small hamlet of Ryton) Hot heed Sewell failed to show after losing his van whilst pi##ed and ending up in a battle with the pizza delivery bloke last night and the Hovercraft drops to the bench after sustaining a puncture to his air max boots.
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair returns from loaning his hair out to contractors to stand on to clean the windows at the top of Blackpool Tower, and peanut butter gets a place on the bench.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair
Patrick Swayzeeeee
Nylon Crowsworthy
Shez "the nonce" Pig
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Anorecsic Fraudster
Anth "the prince of tubbiness" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Roker Managers already decimated squad was dealt another blow when most of the Roker team shuffled into the dressing room like zombies after contracting the "derby win" virus which has swept through Sunderland. Lads reported symptoms such as, bouncing headaches, bad guts, follow-through farts, ashen complexion, a mouth like Ghandis flip flop, and paint stripper breath. Lee Black contracted such a virulent strain of the virus that he mysteriously lost all sense of time and direction, which prevented him from finding his way home at a reasonable hour, so he turned up for the game carrying two bin bags full of clothes and a portable telly. Tubby Carter declared himself fit for the game despite suffering from hypothermia after spending most of the week with his face in the fridge following his lasses win on the bingo allowing her to get "a big shop in"
A rousing team talk from the Roker manager including the classic lines "stop being such soft wa#kers" and "fu#k off and play for some fu#ker else if you can't be bothered" soon had the Roker boys (almost) ready for the game.
The Roker boys trudged to the field in dribs and drabs, for the warm up which included the radical new method of spewing on the pitch, complaining that their tops felt too tight round the neck, and generally moaning that they felt as rough as fu#k.
The kick off was slightly delayed because the anorecsic fraudster needed some tape to stop his shin pads slipping. A three inch bit of leccy tape was pulled from the bottom of Tanseys trainer which was more than enough to wrap round both his ankles six times.
The game couldn't have started off worse for Roker who were behind after only two minutes when Nylon Crowsworthy slipped on a bit of dog sh#t allowing the speedy semi pro forward , to get in behind him and prod the ball past safe hands who hadnt even finished his pre-match fag.
The goal seemed to shock Roker into life and despite being clearly worse for wear, got into a little bit of rhythm, passing the ball about well and denying the semi pro outfit time and space on the ball. The game was close, with both teams having half chances, when Crowsworthy blundered in the mistaken belief he could actually play football, and was robbed of the ball on the left hand side, the semi pro winger tore down the flank and into the box, pulling the ball back for the semi pro striker to slot home from close range.
Roker went into the break 2-0 down and the manager allowed the lads to take a cautious drink of water and a fag before telling them that it was a game of two halves, you play for ninety minutes, he was sick as a parrot and various other football clichés hed picked up along through the years. One change was made for Roker, with Pete fat boy fat Alsop declaring tak us off man, me heeds all ower the shop
Peanut Butter came on, and the half resumed with Roker probably starting brighter, getting the ball down and passing well. The semi pro outfit always looked dangerous though and grabbed a third when maddison unleashed an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards after Big Bell End Bungalow bill failed the close him down.
Rokers heads didnt drop though, and shortly after grabbed a goal after some fine passing and a ball into the box allowed Peanut Butter (inspired substitution) to stab the ball into the goal despite one of the semi pro defenders pulling off a brilliant double handed save, luckily for him the referee adjudged the ball to have already crossed the line otherwise he would have been taking an early bath (or shower, whichever you prefer really)
Roker kept pressing for another goal and the game was stopped briefly when Lord Lloyd High Hair mistimed a header and the ball disappeared into his barnet. Lee black volunteered to retrieve it as he is the hardest and has a black belt in cage fighting. A few minutes later he returned from the Lords hair with four balls including a 10-bob flyaway, and a 1950s leather casey with no laces. The game continued and the semi pro outfit grabbed a fourth on the stroke of full time after the Pig was momentarily distracted when he heard the dulcet chimes of Popeye the sailor man from an ice cream van in the back lane next to Thompsons park.
Final score Roker 1 4 Humbledon Plains Farm
Roker went into this game against the semi-pro outfit of Humbledon ‘and I get paid’ farm, with six first team regulars missing. Sponge foot bald head drops out of the squad after contracting a serious gum disease following his loss in the pi##y water bottle roulette last week.
Ron Jamsey is in a serious depression after the Man U - Everton draw flattened his coupon. The fit fireman is off to the pictures to see High School Musical 3, big Daz, Gummer and crap dad are down Liverpool on a car stereo nicking spree (crap dad would have been on the bench anyhow after properly spitting the dummy out last week when his kit got flung all over the small hamlet of Ryton) Hot heed Sewell failed to show after losing his van whilst pi##ed and ending up in a battle with the pizza delivery bloke last night and the Hovercraft drops to the bench after sustaining a puncture to his air max boots.
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair returns from loaning his hair out to contractors to stand on to clean the windows at the top of Blackpool Tower, and peanut butter gets a place on the bench.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair
Patrick Swayzeeeee
Nylon Crowsworthy
Shez "the nonce" Pig
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Anorecsic Fraudster
Anth "the prince of tubbiness" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Roker Managers already decimated squad was dealt another blow when most of the Roker team shuffled into the dressing room like zombies after contracting the "derby win" virus which has swept through Sunderland. Lads reported symptoms such as, bouncing headaches, bad guts, follow-through farts, ashen complexion, a mouth like Ghandis flip flop, and paint stripper breath. Lee Black contracted such a virulent strain of the virus that he mysteriously lost all sense of time and direction, which prevented him from finding his way home at a reasonable hour, so he turned up for the game carrying two bin bags full of clothes and a portable telly. Tubby Carter declared himself fit for the game despite suffering from hypothermia after spending most of the week with his face in the fridge following his lasses win on the bingo allowing her to get "a big shop in"
A rousing team talk from the Roker manager including the classic lines "stop being such soft wa#kers" and "fu#k off and play for some fu#ker else if you can't be bothered" soon had the Roker boys (almost) ready for the game.
The Roker boys trudged to the field in dribs and drabs, for the warm up which included the radical new method of spewing on the pitch, complaining that their tops felt too tight round the neck, and generally moaning that they felt as rough as fu#k.
The kick off was slightly delayed because the anorecsic fraudster needed some tape to stop his shin pads slipping. A three inch bit of leccy tape was pulled from the bottom of Tanseys trainer which was more than enough to wrap round both his ankles six times.
The game couldn't have started off worse for Roker who were behind after only two minutes when Nylon Crowsworthy slipped on a bit of dog sh#t allowing the speedy semi pro forward , to get in behind him and prod the ball past safe hands who hadnt even finished his pre-match fag.
The goal seemed to shock Roker into life and despite being clearly worse for wear, got into a little bit of rhythm, passing the ball about well and denying the semi pro outfit time and space on the ball. The game was close, with both teams having half chances, when Crowsworthy blundered in the mistaken belief he could actually play football, and was robbed of the ball on the left hand side, the semi pro winger tore down the flank and into the box, pulling the ball back for the semi pro striker to slot home from close range.
Roker went into the break 2-0 down and the manager allowed the lads to take a cautious drink of water and a fag before telling them that it was a game of two halves, you play for ninety minutes, he was sick as a parrot and various other football clichés hed picked up along through the years. One change was made for Roker, with Pete fat boy fat Alsop declaring tak us off man, me heeds all ower the shop
Peanut Butter came on, and the half resumed with Roker probably starting brighter, getting the ball down and passing well. The semi pro outfit always looked dangerous though and grabbed a third when maddison unleashed an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards after Big Bell End Bungalow bill failed the close him down.
Rokers heads didnt drop though, and shortly after grabbed a goal after some fine passing and a ball into the box allowed Peanut Butter (inspired substitution) to stab the ball into the goal despite one of the semi pro defenders pulling off a brilliant double handed save, luckily for him the referee adjudged the ball to have already crossed the line otherwise he would have been taking an early bath (or shower, whichever you prefer really)
Roker kept pressing for another goal and the game was stopped briefly when Lord Lloyd High Hair mistimed a header and the ball disappeared into his barnet. Lee black volunteered to retrieve it as he is the hardest and has a black belt in cage fighting. A few minutes later he returned from the Lords hair with four balls including a 10-bob flyaway, and a 1950s leather casey with no laces. The game continued and the semi pro outfit grabbed a fourth on the stroke of full time after the Pig was momentarily distracted when he heard the dulcet chimes of Popeye the sailor man from an ice cream van in the back lane next to Thompsons park.
Final score Roker 1 4 Humbledon Plains Farm