Oct 2008
Roker 1 - 4 Humbledon Plains Farm
26/10/08 10:00 Filed in: League Matches
Match Report submitted by ‘Groupie’
Roker went into this game against the semi-pro outfit of Humbledon ‘and I get paid’ farm, with six first team regulars missing. Sponge foot bald head drops out of the squad after contracting a serious gum disease following his loss in the pi##y water bottle roulette last week.
Ron Jamsey is in a serious depression after the Man U - Everton draw flattened his coupon. The fit fireman is off to the pictures to see High School Musical 3, big Daz, Gummer and crap dad are down Liverpool on a car stereo nicking spree (crap dad would have been on the bench anyhow after properly spitting the dummy out last week when his kit got flung all over the small hamlet of Ryton) Hot heed Sewell failed to show after losing his van whilst pi##ed and ending up in a battle with the pizza delivery bloke last night and the Hovercraft drops to the bench after sustaining a puncture to his air max boots.
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair returns from loaning his hair out to contractors to stand on to clean the windows at the top of Blackpool Tower, and peanut butter gets a place on the bench.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair
Patrick Swayzeeeee
Nylon Crowsworthy
Shez "the nonce" Pig
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Anorecsic Fraudster
Anth "the prince of tubbiness" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Roker Managers already decimated squad was dealt another blow when most of the Roker team shuffled into the dressing room like zombies after contracting the "derby win" virus which has swept through Sunderland. Lads reported symptoms such as, bouncing headaches, bad guts, follow-through farts, ashen complexion, a mouth like Ghandis flip flop, and paint stripper breath. Lee Black contracted such a virulent strain of the virus that he mysteriously lost all sense of time and direction, which prevented him from finding his way home at a reasonable hour, so he turned up for the game carrying two bin bags full of clothes and a portable telly. Tubby Carter declared himself fit for the game despite suffering from hypothermia after spending most of the week with his face in the fridge following his lasses win on the bingo allowing her to get "a big shop in"
A rousing team talk from the Roker manager including the classic lines "stop being such soft wa#kers" and "fu#k off and play for some fu#ker else if you can't be bothered" soon had the Roker boys (almost) ready for the game.
The Roker boys trudged to the field in dribs and drabs, for the warm up which included the radical new method of spewing on the pitch, complaining that their tops felt too tight round the neck, and generally moaning that they felt as rough as fu#k.
The kick off was slightly delayed because the anorecsic fraudster needed some tape to stop his shin pads slipping. A three inch bit of leccy tape was pulled from the bottom of Tanseys trainer which was more than enough to wrap round both his ankles six times.
The game couldn't have started off worse for Roker who were behind after only two minutes when Nylon Crowsworthy slipped on a bit of dog sh#t allowing the speedy semi pro forward , to get in behind him and prod the ball past safe hands who hadnt even finished his pre-match fag.
The goal seemed to shock Roker into life and despite being clearly worse for wear, got into a little bit of rhythm, passing the ball about well and denying the semi pro outfit time and space on the ball. The game was close, with both teams having half chances, when Crowsworthy blundered in the mistaken belief he could actually play football, and was robbed of the ball on the left hand side, the semi pro winger tore down the flank and into the box, pulling the ball back for the semi pro striker to slot home from close range.
Roker went into the break 2-0 down and the manager allowed the lads to take a cautious drink of water and a fag before telling them that it was a game of two halves, you play for ninety minutes, he was sick as a parrot and various other football clichés hed picked up along through the years. One change was made for Roker, with Pete fat boy fat Alsop declaring tak us off man, me heeds all ower the shop
Peanut Butter came on, and the half resumed with Roker probably starting brighter, getting the ball down and passing well. The semi pro outfit always looked dangerous though and grabbed a third when maddison unleashed an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards after Big Bell End Bungalow bill failed the close him down.
Rokers heads didnt drop though, and shortly after grabbed a goal after some fine passing and a ball into the box allowed Peanut Butter (inspired substitution) to stab the ball into the goal despite one of the semi pro defenders pulling off a brilliant double handed save, luckily for him the referee adjudged the ball to have already crossed the line otherwise he would have been taking an early bath (or shower, whichever you prefer really)
Roker kept pressing for another goal and the game was stopped briefly when Lord Lloyd High Hair mistimed a header and the ball disappeared into his barnet. Lee black volunteered to retrieve it as he is the hardest and has a black belt in cage fighting. A few minutes later he returned from the Lords hair with four balls including a 10-bob flyaway, and a 1950s leather casey with no laces. The game continued and the semi pro outfit grabbed a fourth on the stroke of full time after the Pig was momentarily distracted when he heard the dulcet chimes of Popeye the sailor man from an ice cream van in the back lane next to Thompsons park.
Final score Roker 1 4 Humbledon Plains Farm
Roker went into this game against the semi-pro outfit of Humbledon ‘and I get paid’ farm, with six first team regulars missing. Sponge foot bald head drops out of the squad after contracting a serious gum disease following his loss in the pi##y water bottle roulette last week.
Ron Jamsey is in a serious depression after the Man U - Everton draw flattened his coupon. The fit fireman is off to the pictures to see High School Musical 3, big Daz, Gummer and crap dad are down Liverpool on a car stereo nicking spree (crap dad would have been on the bench anyhow after properly spitting the dummy out last week when his kit got flung all over the small hamlet of Ryton) Hot heed Sewell failed to show after losing his van whilst pi##ed and ending up in a battle with the pizza delivery bloke last night and the Hovercraft drops to the bench after sustaining a puncture to his air max boots.
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair returns from loaning his hair out to contractors to stand on to clean the windows at the top of Blackpool Tower, and peanut butter gets a place on the bench.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grosman High Hair
Patrick Swayzeeeee
Nylon Crowsworthy
Shez "the nonce" Pig
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Anorecsic Fraudster
Anth "the prince of tubbiness" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Roker Managers already decimated squad was dealt another blow when most of the Roker team shuffled into the dressing room like zombies after contracting the "derby win" virus which has swept through Sunderland. Lads reported symptoms such as, bouncing headaches, bad guts, follow-through farts, ashen complexion, a mouth like Ghandis flip flop, and paint stripper breath. Lee Black contracted such a virulent strain of the virus that he mysteriously lost all sense of time and direction, which prevented him from finding his way home at a reasonable hour, so he turned up for the game carrying two bin bags full of clothes and a portable telly. Tubby Carter declared himself fit for the game despite suffering from hypothermia after spending most of the week with his face in the fridge following his lasses win on the bingo allowing her to get "a big shop in"
A rousing team talk from the Roker manager including the classic lines "stop being such soft wa#kers" and "fu#k off and play for some fu#ker else if you can't be bothered" soon had the Roker boys (almost) ready for the game.
The Roker boys trudged to the field in dribs and drabs, for the warm up which included the radical new method of spewing on the pitch, complaining that their tops felt too tight round the neck, and generally moaning that they felt as rough as fu#k.
The kick off was slightly delayed because the anorecsic fraudster needed some tape to stop his shin pads slipping. A three inch bit of leccy tape was pulled from the bottom of Tanseys trainer which was more than enough to wrap round both his ankles six times.
The game couldn't have started off worse for Roker who were behind after only two minutes when Nylon Crowsworthy slipped on a bit of dog sh#t allowing the speedy semi pro forward , to get in behind him and prod the ball past safe hands who hadnt even finished his pre-match fag.
The goal seemed to shock Roker into life and despite being clearly worse for wear, got into a little bit of rhythm, passing the ball about well and denying the semi pro outfit time and space on the ball. The game was close, with both teams having half chances, when Crowsworthy blundered in the mistaken belief he could actually play football, and was robbed of the ball on the left hand side, the semi pro winger tore down the flank and into the box, pulling the ball back for the semi pro striker to slot home from close range.
Roker went into the break 2-0 down and the manager allowed the lads to take a cautious drink of water and a fag before telling them that it was a game of two halves, you play for ninety minutes, he was sick as a parrot and various other football clichés hed picked up along through the years. One change was made for Roker, with Pete fat boy fat Alsop declaring tak us off man, me heeds all ower the shop
Peanut Butter came on, and the half resumed with Roker probably starting brighter, getting the ball down and passing well. The semi pro outfit always looked dangerous though and grabbed a third when maddison unleashed an unstoppable shot into the top corner from 25 yards after Big Bell End Bungalow bill failed the close him down.
Rokers heads didnt drop though, and shortly after grabbed a goal after some fine passing and a ball into the box allowed Peanut Butter (inspired substitution) to stab the ball into the goal despite one of the semi pro defenders pulling off a brilliant double handed save, luckily for him the referee adjudged the ball to have already crossed the line otherwise he would have been taking an early bath (or shower, whichever you prefer really)
Roker kept pressing for another goal and the game was stopped briefly when Lord Lloyd High Hair mistimed a header and the ball disappeared into his barnet. Lee black volunteered to retrieve it as he is the hardest and has a black belt in cage fighting. A few minutes later he returned from the Lords hair with four balls including a 10-bob flyaway, and a 1950s leather casey with no laces. The game continued and the semi pro outfit grabbed a fourth on the stroke of full time after the Pig was momentarily distracted when he heard the dulcet chimes of Popeye the sailor man from an ice cream van in the back lane next to Thompsons park.
Final score Roker 1 4 Humbledon Plains Farm
F.A. Carlsberg Sunday Cup : First Round
19/10/08 15:00 Filed in: Cup Matches
RCA The Barnes 4 Liverpool Lee Jones 0
RCA The Barnes stormed through to the Second round of the National
Sunday F.A. Cup with a resounding 4-0 victory over the previously
unbeaten Liverpool outfit Lee Jones F.C.
RCA started the match on the front foot & pressurised from the first
minute & were rewarded for their positive start when Martin Metcalfe
crossed into a crowded box & Gary Tyzack found space for a powerful
header into the bottom left hand corner to give RCA a 5th. Minute
lead. RCA continued in much the same vein with Paul Hartley & Matty
Stevens bossing the midfield & creating good chances which were
spurned by profligate finishing, but after 30 minutes Matty Stevens
chased down a hopeful ball to the left edge of the goal line & sent a
curling cross towards goal, which the goalkeeper & his defender
conspired to make a mess of, resulting in the defender putting into
his own goal to give RCA a 2-0 lead. RCA should have increased this
lead before half time but a couple of decent saves from Lee Jones's
keeper kept the score to 2-0 at ht.
Lee Jones started the second half with the slope & the wind in their
favour & RCA were expecting a tough time of it, but the next goal was
going to be the important one & it was RCA who killed the tie when
good work down the right hand side from Alan Surtees & Gary Tyzack
released Willie Crew through the inside right channel, who then side
stepped a defender & cooly slotted home to give RCA a 3-0 lead after
50minutes.
Lee Jones then applied the first real presure on the home defence, but
with Philly Hall & Micky Curtis both standing firm it came to nought,
before the best move of the game, which started when RCA worked their
way out of their right back/corner flag position with quick incisive
passing from Surtees & Tyzack
resulted in Paul Hartley cleverly releasing Wille Crew through on goal
& he easily rounded the keeper to slot home, 4-0 to RCA.
Lee Jones then had 2 players dismissed over the same incident, when
their keeper brought down RCA's Martin Metcalfe, who had knocked the
ball past him & was through on goal for what would have been the fifth
goal, & was correctly shown the red card & a further player showed
dissent at this decision & was given his second yellow.
RCA then played out the last 15mins. avoiding any possible injuries &
now look forward to the second round draw & next weeks Durham County
Sunday Cup match against South Moor Sports in Stanley.
RCA The Barnes stormed through to the Second round of the National
Sunday F.A. Cup with a resounding 4-0 victory over the previously
unbeaten Liverpool outfit Lee Jones F.C.
RCA started the match on the front foot & pressurised from the first
minute & were rewarded for their positive start when Martin Metcalfe
crossed into a crowded box & Gary Tyzack found space for a powerful
header into the bottom left hand corner to give RCA a 5th. Minute
lead. RCA continued in much the same vein with Paul Hartley & Matty
Stevens bossing the midfield & creating good chances which were
spurned by profligate finishing, but after 30 minutes Matty Stevens
chased down a hopeful ball to the left edge of the goal line & sent a
curling cross towards goal, which the goalkeeper & his defender
conspired to make a mess of, resulting in the defender putting into
his own goal to give RCA a 2-0 lead. RCA should have increased this
lead before half time but a couple of decent saves from Lee Jones's
keeper kept the score to 2-0 at ht.
Lee Jones started the second half with the slope & the wind in their
favour & RCA were expecting a tough time of it, but the next goal was
going to be the important one & it was RCA who killed the tie when
good work down the right hand side from Alan Surtees & Gary Tyzack
released Willie Crew through the inside right channel, who then side
stepped a defender & cooly slotted home to give RCA a 3-0 lead after
50minutes.
Lee Jones then applied the first real presure on the home defence, but
with Philly Hall & Micky Curtis both standing firm it came to nought,
before the best move of the game, which started when RCA worked their
way out of their right back/corner flag position with quick incisive
passing from Surtees & Tyzack
resulted in Paul Hartley cleverly releasing Wille Crew through on goal
& he easily rounded the keeper to slot home, 4-0 to RCA.
Lee Jones then had 2 players dismissed over the same incident, when
their keeper brought down RCA's Martin Metcalfe, who had knocked the
ball past him & was through on goal for what would have been the fifth
goal, & was correctly shown the red card & a further player showed
dissent at this decision & was given his second yellow.
RCA then played out the last 15mins. avoiding any possible injuries &
now look forward to the second round draw & next weeks Durham County
Sunday Cup match against South Moor Sports in Stanley.