Silkworth Paragon 2 - 2 Roker
02/11/08 10:30 Filed in: League Matches
Match Report submitted by ‘Groupie’
There was better news for the Roker manager this week, with three of his missing first team players returning to bolster the squad. Crap Dad returns from a heavy sun bed session, The fit fire-fighter joins the squad but looked tired after camping out two nights to ensure he got his take that tickets and hot heed Sid shows his face after getting knacked last week by the pizza delivery bloke.
Chimney Chapman looked doubtful following a major domestic emergency, when he accidentally kicked over an ash tray, covering his entire living room in a three inch layer of ash, only comparable to the devastation caused by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius over Pompeii. A quick call to the fit fire-fighter ensured that a cleanup operation got swiftly under way, saving their lass and the bairns from being buried alive.
The bulimic bank blagger was also doubtful as he was away in Skegness on a modelling assignment as the new face of Betty spaghettis boyfriend.
Ron Jamsey is missing after Stu Macbeth laid a bet off to him which won, only for the betting slip to turn out to be a fake, meaning Ron had to work overtime to cover the debts he incurred borrowing on the strength of the win.
Gummer Graham also misses out after a trip to casualty for an x ray on his back showed up some rather unsavoury items lodged in his rectum, including a hairbrush, the TV remote and a Capo di Monte ornament. His excuse of “I was changing a light bulb naked when I fell off the pouffe and landed on the coffee table” didn’t wash as 1. He doesn’t even own a coffee table and 2. We all know he’s a rancid pervert anyway.
Ali Aggers misses out, after a slipped wig sidelines him for the second week running, it looks increasingly likely that Aggers will have to invest in some double sided sticky tape and a tin of hairspray to fix the problem.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grossman Side-High Hair
Crap Dad
Nylon Crowsworthy
Hot Heed Sid
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Bulimic Bank Blagger
Anth "chubby" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Fit Fire-fighter
Harvey Price
The Roker Manager was hopeful of being able to make changes following last week’s awful display, unfortunately his plans were dealt a blow when The Fit Fire-fighter, Peanut Butter and Harvey Price turned up 15 mins late after the Fire-fighters instinct kicked in and he followed a plume of smoke to Doxy park only to discover it was a wheelie bin fire.
Nylon Crowsworthy turned up looking like what can only be described, as though he had been on fire and someone had beat him out with a sh*tty shovel. The Bulimic Bank Blagger appeared with a ridiculous checky jacket on, that Jonathon Ross wouldn’t wear, prompting the comment “he looks like a fu#kin pencil” and Lord Lloyd High Hair arrived with a massive quiff all swept to one side.
The usual travelling support of Sir Michael of Meatball and Bone Tansey were there to cheer the lads on, oddly though, the absence of Tommy Wheatos lurking along the sidelines lent a strange atmosphere to the game.
The Roker management team gave the lads six nowt in the changing room before the game about last week’s inept performance, with big Daz even threatening to bring in Dwayne Looney, Stevie Lettins, Roy the cross country runner and the Ginger Lad with the glasses if this week’s performance didn’t improve.
Roker took to the field fired up and in their change strip of maroon, meaning that tubby Carter resembled a giant grape rolling around the pitch.
After the ref had to wait for the two Chapman’s to finish their fifth pre-match fag, the game got under way and it was immediately obvious that both sides were up for this clash, with both sides crunching into the tackles and allowing neither time nor space to each other. 15 minutes in and Paragon had their first chance with the Bulimic Bank Blagger bringing down a player on the edge of the area. The skinny defender was incensed at the decision and flew at the ref with his thread like arms flailing. As the ref was being assessed, he was left with little option but to book him, and was a little confused when he looked for the number on his back and realised the two stripes down each side of his shirt was actually the number eleven. The resulting free kick was hammered into the wall and the danger passed.
Both sides were giving free kicks away in dangerous areas and on the half hour mark, Crap Dad won a free kick on the left and level with the 18 yard box. Bell end Bungalow Bill swung in a dangerous cross/come shot into the six yard box which the keeper couldn’t hold onto and the ref adjudged the ball to have crossed the line, goal to Roker. (to be honest, I didn’t think the ball had crossed the line but hey, sh#t happens) Paragon had a player booked for protesting to the ref and the kick off resumed.
The ref evened things up 5 minutes later when he awarded a very dubious free kick on the edge of Rokers area. Safe hands set his wall up but made a bad judgement call when he had the Bulimic Bank Blagger in the centre of the wall. The Paragon forward seized the opportunity and rifled the ball straight through the wall where the skinny defender was, with at least 5 inches clearance and into the corner of safe hands goal........1-1
HALF TIME: PARAGON 1 – 1 ROKER
The Roker lads took a very cautious drink of water, fearing another round of pi##y water bottle roulette and the Chapman brothers got in two quick half time fags. The Roker management team had little to say to the lads except to keep the ball moving and pressure for another goal.
The second half started the same as the first with both teams going for it. The game was too tight for any changes but that still didn’t stop the fit fire-fighter running repeatedly past the manager doing 70’s style warm ups of star jumps, toe touches and press ups in an attempt to get noticed and go on. The substitution came 10 minutes later, not because of any injuries but because the manager was sick of him moaning on and also because the fire-fighters beer farts were turning his guts.
Off came Fat boy Fat Alsop and on trundled the fireman, knocking people out of the way with his massive shoulders. The change had immediate effect as Roker found their way down the right flank, the ball was pulled back from the by line to Lord Lloyd Grossman High Side-Hair, who whipped in a cross with the outside of his quiff, which found Crap Dad at the back post, Crap Dad neatly sold the defender a dummy (probably the bairns) and smashed a right foot shot into the bottom corner of the net. Lord High hair raced 30 yards to join in the celebrations and the re-start was delayed after four of Rokers players got tangled in his coiffure. 2 – 1
From the re-start Paragon upped the pressure in an attempt to grab an equaliser and looked dangerous down the flanks. Roker defended well though and it was end to end stuff for the next 20 minutes with both sides having chances. Roker had a goal chalked off for a very dubious offside before Paragon grabbed an equaliser. A long clearance from The Paragon defender saw The Bulimic Bank Blagger challenge for the ball, however, a slight breeze, knocked the skinny defender off balance and the forward raced toward goal. Safe hands was off his line in a flash and pulled off a great save, only for the ball to fall kindly for the forward to slot home the rebound. 2 – 2
The last five minutes were very tense, both sides not content with the draw, a couple more half chances apiece and the final whistle went. Over the ninety minutes I think Roker edged it (but I would say that wouldn’t I) and the draw was probably a fair result.
A cracking game of Sunday football, only spoiled by the groundsmans moans of missing his Sunday dinner while he waited for Lord High Hair to dry his barnet after a shower.
There was better news for the Roker manager this week, with three of his missing first team players returning to bolster the squad. Crap Dad returns from a heavy sun bed session, The fit fire-fighter joins the squad but looked tired after camping out two nights to ensure he got his take that tickets and hot heed Sid shows his face after getting knacked last week by the pizza delivery bloke.
Chimney Chapman looked doubtful following a major domestic emergency, when he accidentally kicked over an ash tray, covering his entire living room in a three inch layer of ash, only comparable to the devastation caused by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius over Pompeii. A quick call to the fit fire-fighter ensured that a cleanup operation got swiftly under way, saving their lass and the bairns from being buried alive.
The bulimic bank blagger was also doubtful as he was away in Skegness on a modelling assignment as the new face of Betty spaghettis boyfriend.
Ron Jamsey is missing after Stu Macbeth laid a bet off to him which won, only for the betting slip to turn out to be a fake, meaning Ron had to work overtime to cover the debts he incurred borrowing on the strength of the win.
Gummer Graham also misses out after a trip to casualty for an x ray on his back showed up some rather unsavoury items lodged in his rectum, including a hairbrush, the TV remote and a Capo di Monte ornament. His excuse of “I was changing a light bulb naked when I fell off the pouffe and landed on the coffee table” didn’t wash as 1. He doesn’t even own a coffee table and 2. We all know he’s a rancid pervert anyway.
Ali Aggers misses out, after a slipped wig sidelines him for the second week running, it looks increasingly likely that Aggers will have to invest in some double sided sticky tape and a tin of hairspray to fix the problem.
The Team:
Safe Hands Champ-Man
Lord Lloyd Grossman Side-High Hair
Crap Dad
Nylon Crowsworthy
Hot Heed Sid
Lee "the earl of blackness" Black
Big Bell End Bungalow Bill
The Bulimic Bank Blagger
Anth "chubby" Carter
Chimney Chapman
Pete fat boy fat
Peanut Butter
Hovercraft
The Fit Fire-fighter
Harvey Price
The Roker Manager was hopeful of being able to make changes following last week’s awful display, unfortunately his plans were dealt a blow when The Fit Fire-fighter, Peanut Butter and Harvey Price turned up 15 mins late after the Fire-fighters instinct kicked in and he followed a plume of smoke to Doxy park only to discover it was a wheelie bin fire.
Nylon Crowsworthy turned up looking like what can only be described, as though he had been on fire and someone had beat him out with a sh*tty shovel. The Bulimic Bank Blagger appeared with a ridiculous checky jacket on, that Jonathon Ross wouldn’t wear, prompting the comment “he looks like a fu#kin pencil” and Lord Lloyd High Hair arrived with a massive quiff all swept to one side.
The usual travelling support of Sir Michael of Meatball and Bone Tansey were there to cheer the lads on, oddly though, the absence of Tommy Wheatos lurking along the sidelines lent a strange atmosphere to the game.
The Roker management team gave the lads six nowt in the changing room before the game about last week’s inept performance, with big Daz even threatening to bring in Dwayne Looney, Stevie Lettins, Roy the cross country runner and the Ginger Lad with the glasses if this week’s performance didn’t improve.
Roker took to the field fired up and in their change strip of maroon, meaning that tubby Carter resembled a giant grape rolling around the pitch.
After the ref had to wait for the two Chapman’s to finish their fifth pre-match fag, the game got under way and it was immediately obvious that both sides were up for this clash, with both sides crunching into the tackles and allowing neither time nor space to each other. 15 minutes in and Paragon had their first chance with the Bulimic Bank Blagger bringing down a player on the edge of the area. The skinny defender was incensed at the decision and flew at the ref with his thread like arms flailing. As the ref was being assessed, he was left with little option but to book him, and was a little confused when he looked for the number on his back and realised the two stripes down each side of his shirt was actually the number eleven. The resulting free kick was hammered into the wall and the danger passed.
Both sides were giving free kicks away in dangerous areas and on the half hour mark, Crap Dad won a free kick on the left and level with the 18 yard box. Bell end Bungalow Bill swung in a dangerous cross/come shot into the six yard box which the keeper couldn’t hold onto and the ref adjudged the ball to have crossed the line, goal to Roker. (to be honest, I didn’t think the ball had crossed the line but hey, sh#t happens) Paragon had a player booked for protesting to the ref and the kick off resumed.
The ref evened things up 5 minutes later when he awarded a very dubious free kick on the edge of Rokers area. Safe hands set his wall up but made a bad judgement call when he had the Bulimic Bank Blagger in the centre of the wall. The Paragon forward seized the opportunity and rifled the ball straight through the wall where the skinny defender was, with at least 5 inches clearance and into the corner of safe hands goal........1-1
HALF TIME: PARAGON 1 – 1 ROKER
The Roker lads took a very cautious drink of water, fearing another round of pi##y water bottle roulette and the Chapman brothers got in two quick half time fags. The Roker management team had little to say to the lads except to keep the ball moving and pressure for another goal.
The second half started the same as the first with both teams going for it. The game was too tight for any changes but that still didn’t stop the fit fire-fighter running repeatedly past the manager doing 70’s style warm ups of star jumps, toe touches and press ups in an attempt to get noticed and go on. The substitution came 10 minutes later, not because of any injuries but because the manager was sick of him moaning on and also because the fire-fighters beer farts were turning his guts.
Off came Fat boy Fat Alsop and on trundled the fireman, knocking people out of the way with his massive shoulders. The change had immediate effect as Roker found their way down the right flank, the ball was pulled back from the by line to Lord Lloyd Grossman High Side-Hair, who whipped in a cross with the outside of his quiff, which found Crap Dad at the back post, Crap Dad neatly sold the defender a dummy (probably the bairns) and smashed a right foot shot into the bottom corner of the net. Lord High hair raced 30 yards to join in the celebrations and the re-start was delayed after four of Rokers players got tangled in his coiffure. 2 – 1
From the re-start Paragon upped the pressure in an attempt to grab an equaliser and looked dangerous down the flanks. Roker defended well though and it was end to end stuff for the next 20 minutes with both sides having chances. Roker had a goal chalked off for a very dubious offside before Paragon grabbed an equaliser. A long clearance from The Paragon defender saw The Bulimic Bank Blagger challenge for the ball, however, a slight breeze, knocked the skinny defender off balance and the forward raced toward goal. Safe hands was off his line in a flash and pulled off a great save, only for the ball to fall kindly for the forward to slot home the rebound. 2 – 2
The last five minutes were very tense, both sides not content with the draw, a couple more half chances apiece and the final whistle went. Over the ninety minutes I think Roker edged it (but I would say that wouldn’t I) and the draw was probably a fair result.
A cracking game of Sunday football, only spoiled by the groundsmans moans of missing his Sunday dinner while he waited for Lord High Hair to dry his barnet after a shower.